Kiss
Puke
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
