Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
