I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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