The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
