So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
