haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
