On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
