when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
