First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
