he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Randomize
