It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
