the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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