Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
