i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
