wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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