So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
It was confusing and full of hummus
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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