i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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