i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
