im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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