Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
