I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
