I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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