We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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