Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
