The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
