I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
