me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
