i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
