12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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