Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
