Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
My day in three words: secret purse cake
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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