I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
