I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
