Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
