Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
