Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
