The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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