i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
