jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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