Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
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I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
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Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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