I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
