Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
