i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
even my farts smell like vagina
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
