it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
