We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
