My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
