I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
