Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
