when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
