I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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