I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
