Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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