I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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