I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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