There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
