My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
