Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
