He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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