NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
