At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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